Some days I wake up with this extra weight on my shoulders, unhappy with my career, unhappy with the choices I've made in life and I desperately want to stay home and work on my art. This week I read about a successful writer who grew up in the same town as me. I can't help but think that she has my ideal life. But then there are other days like today when I wake up and I feel like I am in the right place, the right career and the burden of jealousy is lifted. I can see how my path has brought me to a place where I might not be writing for a living, but I am teaching others to find their artistic outlet and even more fulfilling is my ability to share with them the Yogic Philosophy thinly veiled by lessons on how to be a theatre artist.
Have you read, The Artist's Way? Its author, Julia Cameron suggests that jealousy is a way for us to know what to put effort into. She says that if we put effort toward that goal then the jealousy goes away. She's right. I've tried it and it works.
But then why does this nagging, unhealthy-- "I wish I had her life" keep coming back into my consciousness? How do I know which is my path? To put more effort into the art and someday have the sparkling hot spotlights on my work, or to cultivate gratitude for my current job and enjoy the lightness it brings to my soul?
I can hear Swami Cat now, saying the answer dear Yoga Girl is...
Okay, okay Swami Cat-- I'll rededicate myself to my meditation practice of which I spend a few minutes each morning in gratitude. That will help. And I will try to stick to the present moment-- always looking at how I can serve my students, other teachers, and myself. But, I will continue to put my extra energy into making my writing career blossom, while maintaining a calm that is not attached to having it come to fruition in this lifetime. Maybe yes, maybe no. "You must have faith," I hear him saying, "for we do not know what is ultimately best for us and the universe."
Ah yes, wise, wise, wise.
Anyone else dealing with a recurring emotion that doesn't feel healthy? Please let me know how you've handled it. It's lonely having these thoughts by myself.